The Six Sections of Fulfillment: My Story

Failure and Fulfillment

Life seemed perfect just a few years ago.

But it wasn’t.

Despite having a seemingly ideal life, I was constantly plagued by a dull ache and a sense of emptiness that I couldn't quite comprehend. Even though I was in great physical shape (6-pack included) at 48, with a strict fitness and nutrition regime, the emptiness persisted.

And it wasn't because of my family life either.

I had a wonderful family - a loving wife, three stepsons, and a daughter with eyes like mine. My business was thriving, and my finances were in excellent shape. Yet, despite having everything going for me, my persistent, unfulfilling ache and a feeling of inexplicable emptiness remained.

People often described me as determined, dedicated, enthusiastic, and resilient, and my emotional stability was not the cause of this mundane, persistent discomfort.

Although this emptiness sometimes faded into the background during significant events or after a major accomplishment, it had been with me since my mid-twenties. My life appeared great, but it didn't feel right. So, I kept chasing the elusive feeling of contentment. I kept chasing the “Feel-Good.”

In my early 30’s I unlocked Pandora’s Box. Until then, I had abstained from drugs and alcohol, determined not to follow in my parent’s footsteps and strive for a better life.

Once I started, stopping seemed impossible. Any life progress was stalled by drug use and when I got off the drugs in 2005, 3 years later I substituted it with alcohol.

By 2011 I was homeless.

Thanks to the help of my best friend and my soon-to-be-wife, I was able to turn things around. By 2013, I had broken free from the destructive cycle of drugs and alcohol and no longer lived on the streets.

From there, life continued to improve. I got a job as a personal trainer and worked my way up to manager. In 2015, I started Lifelight Fitness, a business that became successful and profitable within the first 2 years. My financial situation had never been better, and in 2017, I married my best friend.

Despite my many accomplishments and apparent success, a persistent and unfulfilling ache- along with a sense of emptiness that I couldn't quite understand- still plagued me.

This feeling wasn’t new.

This feeling of unease had been with me since childhood, but when I left for college and moved out for good, it seemed to subside. In retrospect, it was always present, although it would fade into the background when life got particularly exciting.

After graduating from UC Davis, I landed a job as an elementary school teacher, which seemed like a dream come true. I had a lovely fiancée and we were able to make mortgage payments on our very own condo instead of paying rent. We were building a wonderful life together. Everything looked perfect on the outside.

But still, I longed to escape this indescribable and constant uneasiness, but even more so, I wanted to keep it hidden from others. If they noticed it, then it was undoubtedly real, not just a phantom ache that would disappear the next day.

And if I dared to try and explain it to someone else the response was always something like, “What do you have to be sad about - you have a great life.”

Or as my ex-fiancee would say, “Why are you so blue, Lovebug?”

Only revealing this side of myself to my partner, for everyone else I maintained the façade of a perfect life.

Always smiling. Always energetic. Always in a good mood. Always lying. Rarely did my outward behavior reflect my inner turmoil.

To cope with my persistent unease, I resorted to distractions.

I always had a fallback distraction to turn to throughout my life, a safety net of sorts.

Starting in middle school, I became obsessed with fitness.

Looking back, I realize that my desire for strength and physical attractiveness was driven by a need for attention and validation. I wanted to feel good about myself and sought others' approval to achieve that.

Building noticeable muscle mass and having six-pack abs provided a sense of confidence and satisfaction. I believed that getting attention and validation from others would keep me safe.

From my middle school years until now, my fixation on physical fitness has been a constant.

Unlike other distractions I've had in my life, such as gambling, drug abuse, and codependent relationships, which came and went for various seasons and reasons, my dependency on fitness has remained steadfast.

Even during seasons when I was engaged in illegal activities, risky behaviors, or 100% focused on making money, my obsession with fitness never wavered.

After teaching elementary school for eight years, I transitioned to a full-time career in fitness. The image of being a successful fitness professional, husband, father, coach, and all-around good person looked really promising on the surface. At least that’s why I told myself.

However, despite appearing to have it all, I still experienced a constant feeling of emptiness on the inside. It seemed as though everything good in my life could collapse at any moment, and I was constantly on edge waiting for the ground to drop underneath me. Things looked good on the outside, but something was out of order on the inside. This was 4 years ago.

Fast forward to today. I’m 52, and in many ways, my life on the outside matches how I have always felt on the inside.

I no longer have the successful gym business. I don’t even live in the same city as the in-person gym I used to own and operate. I didn’t sell it. Its closure was a selfish and inconsiderate act, that I gained nothing from.

I moved 100 miles away, and I have no contact with my old friends and my former family. My wife, who was once my loving muse is now my ex-wife. Sadly, my ex-stepsons don’t respond to my texts or calls. Thankfully my daughter does, although only occasionally.

The new normal in my life is named: Solitude.

Through these past years, my financial situation has taken a downturn. Actually, that’s an understatement. Financial fear and scarcity is more like it. The all-too-familiar feelings of scarcity and regret keep me up at night. Despite still operating Lifelight Fitness, which is now online, I seem to have lost my ability to generate income and make it profitable, unlike my success running the in-person version just a few years ago.

A few years ago, I had everything I thought I wanted, but I still felt hollow inside. I lost it all, and now I'm left feeling empty.

It's tempting to label this as a mid-life crisis, but the truth is that my life has felt like a never-ending crisis since I was a child. I was conceived in chaos and crisis has always been my default setting.

But through the loss, there is growth.

As of March 31, 2023, I acknowledge the fear and uncertainty that makes progress challenging. However, this is not the end of a tragic tale, nor is it a triumphant success story. At least, not yet.

Rather, this is a personal account of my ongoing transformation unfolding in the present. More importantly, the lessons I continue to learn along the way.

Now accepting discomfort and uncertainty rather than continuously chasing the “feel-good.” So far there are way more bumps, cuts and bruises than rainbows and gumdrops.

I’ve spent my life up to now, chasing the feel-good. Seeking safe comfort always.

Giving up what is comfortable and familiar is daunting, but it is necessary for intentional transformation. I spend most moments feeling uncomfortable and scared, but it is part of the de-conditioning process.

When it comes to fitness, "de-conditioned" typically means being out of shape.

However, in my case, I'm referring to intentionally deconstructing old programs and traits that have kept me feeling stuck and unfulfilled. This involves down-regulating the negative neural-biological hardwiring that has been holding me back.

As I work on intentionally de-conditioning nearly every pre-programmed aspect of my life, the only segment that remains unchanged is my physical well-being. My workout routine and timed eating protocol have been a constant anchor that keeps me grounded, while everything else falls apart.

Grateful that I have at least one area of fulfillment covered- it provides a foundation for me to become aware of and address the other 5 five segments.

Physical fitness to the rescue once again.

My journey towards authentic fulfillment started in early 2021, and it is far from over as I continue to move away from the superficial pursuit of temporary pleasure. I now avoid “chasing the feel-good” and giving in to my usual programming.

Through my experiences and growth in the past few years, I have rediscovered internal truths and actively practiced them in my life.

These truths are not merely lessons learned but rather a way of living that I believe can benefit others.

I have no right to share these principles, unless I am practicing what I teach. I recognize that these truths may not be new to you or to me, but it is the active engagement with them that truly brings fulfillment.

The truth I have discovered and accepted is not something I learned from external sources, but rather it comes from a deeper part of myself.

This truth is already within everyone, but it often gets buried by self-protective programs that run on automatic repetition. I have experienced this firsthand. The work (and believe me, it is work!) lies in integrating this authentic guidance into our conscious thoughts, words, and actions on a daily basis.

The work of recognizing and releasing past programs is essential to create space for authentic programs to resurface. By intentionally deconstructing old programs we can clear out the mental and emotional clutter that has been holding us back and create space for authentic fulfillment to emerge. This work is required to achieve authentic transformation and fulfillment.

And let me assure you that “it’s happening - it’s really happening.”

Otherwise I wouldn't waste your time sharing it.

Through intentional de-conditioning, I have managed to make peace with my anxiety and distance myself from depression. What's even more remarkable is that I have abstained from all intoxicants, including the sneaky cannabis vape pen, since making changes in my life.

And the best part? I achieved all of this without relying on mainstream "cures" that turned out to be nothing more than temporary distractions, rather than actual solutions. I stopped “chasing the feel-good.”

It took some time, but I've finally come to accept that my lifelong belief in finding happiness and fulfillment through physical and financial success was incorrect. Despite having 6-pack abs and financial stability, I couldn't simply wash away my anxiety, depression, and loneliness. It simply didn't work for me.

Here’s more truth: Happiness can’t be trusted.

Chasing the “feel-good” aka happiness, is not something that can be relied upon or trusted as a constant state.

To begin with, happiness is an elusive and transient emotion that often depends on external factors beyond our control. It's not a destination or a fixed state, but rather a fleeting feeling that can change at any moment.

Happiness tends to overpromise and underdeliver, leaving us with a sense of emptiness once the temporary high fades away.

Fulfillment, on the other hand, is a more sustainable and enduring state that we can strive for.

More truth: Achieving true fulfillment requires more than just physical fitness and financial stability.

In my experience, achieving fulfillment involves focusing on six interconnected segments that work together to create an overall sense of well-being and purpose. When these six segments are strengthened, the result is what I call "In-Lightened Fulfillment" or “In-Lightened Fitness”, whichever name works best for you.

Regardless of the name, these six segments are:

1. Physical

2. Mental

3. Emotional

4. Relationship

5. Spiritual

6. Financial

By taking care of each of these areas and nurturing them, we can achieve a deeper sense of fulfillment and purpose in our lives.

Attaining In-Lightened fulfillment requires consistent attention, exercise, and awareness in each of the six segments: physical, mental, emotional, relationship, spiritual, and financial.

While the level of attention each segment demands may vary at different times, physical fitness is essential to enhance and fully enjoy the benefits of the other segments.

Moreover, automatic old SP programs clog the system and hinder authentic fulfillment. Therefore, it is crucial to deconstruct these old programs and reinforce the authentic ones to create space for true fulfillment to emerge.

Deconstructing the old and strengthening the true is the key to achieving sustained fulfillment.

“Deconstruct the old and strengthen the true.”

The list of old SP (Self-Protective) programs I am currently deconstructing is extensive, but it's important work that needs to be done in order to allow my PAW (Potential of Authentic Wholeness) to emerge.

Our PAW is our guide to fulfillment and peace of mind.

Some of the SP programs I am actively working on down-regulating include:

• Selfishness

• Addictive traits

• Narcissistic traits

• People-pleasing

• Victim mindset

• Guilt

• Self-judgment

• Judging others

• Low self-respect

The list goes on and on, as many of these old SP programs are rooted in fear:

• Fear of criticism

• Fear of abandonment

• Fear of authority

• Fear of anger

• Fear of not being good enough

I could go on, but those are the biggest blockers.

But by recognizing these as SP programs instead of an identity and actively working to deconstruct them, I am creating space for my authentic self to emerge. It's not an easy process, but it's essential for any positive change towards In-Lightened Fitness to occur.

I am committed to sharing both my successes and struggles as I continue on this journey in the coming weeks and months. I invite you to stay tuned for my next piece, where I will share how I am actively working to strengthen the emotional segment of In-Lightened fulfillment, as well as my ongoing efforts to down-regulate the limiting SP programs that have kept me stuck in the past.

With Love and Light,

Thomas Miller (Coach Tom)