“If you are walking through hell, keep going.” - Winston Churchill

"I'm Done!"

I still feel the pain from hearing, “I’m done!” and knowing she meant it. 

Rejection

Shame

Fear

 I was instantly canceled by a wife with whom I planned to spend the rest of my life.  

What’s that cliche about the “best-laid plans”?

Committed to ending our marriage amicably, I moved 100 miles away to a new city with old regrets. 

But there was more suffering where that came from.

Still suffering from closing the doors of my first (and only) successful business, a group training gym that was a financial and impactful success until the COVID-19 shutdowns. Side Note: It wasn’t COVID-19 that shut it down—it was greed and me.

My next business endeavor ended severely, too.  

I’m still reeling from the dissolution of a business partnership with fantastic potential with a superstar friend.

Thankfully, my friend (and ex-business partner) bounced back and is currently thriving. But our friendship hasn’t been the same. While she buys houses and new cars, I live on canned tuna, eggs, and rotisserie chicken from Costco.  Safe to say we went in different directions.

I started a third business that I had no aptitude for, which also failed. My 3rd failed business drained all of my savings. It all happened pretty fast.  I went from rich to poor. 

Full-Transparency Alert!
I used drugs again.

My suffering started in 2019 when I decided to use the Lord Voldermort drug again. 
I had used it before to great fail but still decided to do it again.

It was a decision I remember making - it didn’t just happen.
And it felt good until it didn’t.

My relapse only lasted a few months. But evidence shows that it was a few months too many.

I justified using Voldermort with strategic cognitive entitlement.

I rationalized it because I needed energy and alertness.

I minimized it because I knew I would only use it for a short period of time.

But why did my suffering get worse when I went off of it?  

Because my relapse, albeit brief, brought old programs back to life that have nothing to do with drugs, and I’ve been stuck in suffering ever since for the past 4 years.

I’m almost out of my personal hell, but it has been the toughest four years of my life.

So, this is not about drug use and relapses; it is about recovering my authentic self.  I’m not there yet, but I’m getting closer.

In 2019, before the relapse and breakdown, I felt rich with  $500,000 saved, but today, I am over $100K in debt, alone and, until recently, scared.  There I go again, seeking sympathy.

My Shallow Standards

Sympathy-seeking aside, you have to admit my current life situation kinda sucks, especially since I base my entire self-worth on three things:

How much others love (or need) me 

How much money I’m earning

How good my abs look

Call me shallow, and I will accept that because, for me, being poor and lonely is the worst sort of suffering.  

I’ve been fit my entire life. Even after moving away from my wife and family, I stayed fit. 
But using food for dopamine for the past years resulted in my belly bulging with 20 extra pounds. 
This is a new sort of uncomfortable that makes feeling poor and lonely even worse.

Suffice it to say, I know what suffering feels like.  I also know what it feels like to walk through it one step (moment) at a time.

It’s been five years since my relapse and my first business failed and 2 years since my ex-wife said, “I’m done,” and closed the door as she pushed me out.  

To any onlooker, I still look stuck. I have no close friend to confide in, no romantic relationship on the horizon, no business success story to share, just a salad of failure and loss to toss in my head.

Alone, fat, broke, and stuck suffering, this sounds like the saddest song.  But it’s not.  This is the beginning of my breakthrough.

I’m making my way through hell and moving towards the other side of suffering.  

Granted, I have no evidence to prove that I’m breaking through to the other side, but trust and believe the breakthrough is underway—I’m getting there–all because of changing one thing…

I started following the guidance of Papa Tom, my older, wiser, and more zen alter-ego.

I created Papa Tom out of necessity 20 years ago. 

Confined to a small room with no windows and a stainless steel toilet, I was separated from my friends, family, and, most painfully, my teenage daughter. I was living the dream. 
It was a nightmare.

Confined to a cell, I couldn’t show up for my daughter or anybody else.  I was going crazy with guilt and shame.

To survive my sanity, I constructed an image of my future self. 

The idea of Papa Tom gave me hope for redemption from the guilt and shame I felt for neglecting my daughter and my self.

Though I created Papa Tom out of necessity to relieve the guilt of abandoning my daughter (and everyone else), the truth is that Papa Tom is helping me more than anyone else.

Meet Papa Tom

Papa Tom is a compilation of all the male figures I want to emulate starting with my own loving grandpa.

Papa Tom is a hybrid of my vision for my future self and my guiding light in the present moment.

Papa Tom is the man I’m becoming. 

Papa Tom is the dad I never had.  

Papa Tom fills the void.

 I’m sharing this because if Papa Tom’s guidance is helping me transmute my suffering into strength, his guidance can help anyone, including you.

I don’t think I’m alone. We all suffer from something, sometimes.

And we can use a little help when suffering strikes.

If my construction of Papa Tom doesn’t make sense to you, please keep reading anyway.  Because if you’re suffering, I 100% believe you will benefit from Papa Tom’s words, too.  

Enough about me, let’s talk about you.  

Since you’re still reading, you’re suffering from something, too.

What is it?

What's Your Main Pain?

Health?

Relationship?

Tired of feeling fat?

Money?

Career?

Scared of falling deeper into debt, not being able to pay your rent and becoming homeless?

Loneliness?

Not feeling Loved?

Anxiety?

Stress?

Depression?

Past regrets?

PTSD responses from past trauma?

Failure and Loss weighing you down?

Addicted to food, drugs and/or booze?

Addicted to another person, codependent?

Addicted to another distraction from how you’re feeling?

Feeling lost and without true purpose?

Feeling like a fat, broke, useless failure who’s scared to fail again?

Feeling like it's only a matter of time until “I mess things up just like I always do?”*

Feeling like I’ve messed up so badly that the idea of doing better and feeling better seems like a fantasy I have no right to fantasize about.

Do any of those ring a bell for you?

If so, I’m glad you're reading this because I’ve been there, too—every single one of them, many as recent as last month.

But I’m breaking through.

To be clear, I’m not yet out of my desert of hell.

But I’m pretty darn close.

And it’s because of Papa Tom.

I'll share what he told me in my next letter. Until then...

With Infinite Love and Light,
Tom

In My Next Letter:

I'll share what I learned from Papa that helped me move out of suffering and into living. I'll share:

• How To Show Up And Live No Matter How You Feel

• How To Feel The Pain And Do The Thing Anyway

• Why Our Brains Feel Foggy When We're Suffering

• How To Get Unfrozen And Work Past The Freezing Pain

• How To Create A Compelling Future From A Bleak Present

• And Lots More Strong Wisdom From Papa That's Helping Me and Just Might Help You Too!